I Wish I Had Started Sooner

Grieving the creator I could've been

Sometimes I see pictures of me from when I was young, and it shocks me how much self-confidence I've lost over the years. I remember enjoying being recorded by my parents while I was dancing in my own room, reading the newspaper in gibberish to my family and all the children coming up to me in kindergarten. I even filmed myself making Rainbow Looms for YouTube at 9 years of age!

I wonder, could I have been a successful content creator at this point?

I specifically carry around a picture of me from day care, as it represents my inner child, and I couldn't help but feel so disappointed. I didn't know how to tell her that not everything had turned out the way we wanted. That being a content creator is a lot harder than it seems.

I've seen lots of people my age with YouTube channels, recording themselves since they were 15. Some of them like Brooklyn & Bailey, Alisha Marie, and Bretman Rock. All of them have had similar interests to mine, but I could never bring myself to start. Unfortunately, my insecurities got the best of me as I was severely bullied and dealt with GAD (Generalized Anxiety Disorder). With all of those intrusive thoughts, being a YouTuber sounded foreign to me.

The voices in my head would tell me that if I even dared to try, I'd instantly become a wannabe white-washed influencer. That's right, racial discrimination went hard back in Canadian French high schools where the majority were non-white.

I guess I'm just coping with the thought of losing my chance when I had more time and energy, when Wattpad was still trending, and internet kids were still rising; I was still under different circumstances. It's not for nothing they say the sooner the better, because once you reach adulthood, discipline can become harder. Responsibilities kick in, and you're still trying to figure things out.

When I see famous content creators, singers, and actors on Instagram getting their YouTube or Grammy awards so early, I sometimes wonder: what if I had simply begun? Could my life look differently now?

I'm not looking to be famous per se, just known and valued for my work. I'll admit, the pandemic didn't help, and I got too distracted looking at boys or wanting to make friends and join clubs. But It's easy to assume we failed because we didn't start early enough, when in reality, many of us were busy going through problems others never had, to survive...

Maybe I didn't start when I was nine. Maybe I didn't start at sixteen either. But I am starting now, and that has to count for something, right?

I grieve the creator I could have been when I had the chance.

Because that little girl never stopped dreaming.

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